im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
