wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
