My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
