She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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