My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Mom said you looked used
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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