Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
