I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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