Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
