I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
