I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
