Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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