Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
