I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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