Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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