pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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