Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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