Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
