I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
