nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
