I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
