That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
