I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
