Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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