I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
