My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
