I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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