I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
