I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
