i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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