i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
