i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
