I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
