What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
