dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize