He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
