So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
