my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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