i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
