Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
