Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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