Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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