my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
