i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
