Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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