Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
