you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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