Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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