you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
