I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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