You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
