I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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