I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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