i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
