I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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