don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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