I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
